Forgiveness... a Gift to Myself

I have been thinking long and hard about writing a letter of forgiveness; today, on the eve of the last day of the year, I managed to do it! For 30 years I have held on to a painful experience of my past because I was ashamed and too intimidated to confront someone who caused me great pain at the very vulnerable age of 16. Why was I afraid? Because this man was someone of high importance and authority: a highly renowned specialist in the medical field of endocrinology. I was raised to believe that adults would always be believed over children and that if you had a complaint about an adult," Keep it to yourself." For years I have pushed the thoughts of confronting this man to the back of my mind. But now, for my own closure and peace of mind, I will send this letter, addressing the variety of ways he left a mark on my life. It may not lead to an apology on his part. It will likely be ignored. Knowing that my message was delivered will give me peace, because perhaps this man will realize the impact of his irresponsible actions on his patients. And, maybe, I will be able to forgive and let go of the pain. Tomorrow I mail the letter and forgiveness will set me free.
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” Mahatma Gandhi

From Frustrated to Flourishing

I have been doing a lot of reading on staying positive and living a flourishing life. This week as my life is filled with some challenges, that, individually do not seem so important, but together seem to compound each other, I am trying to find ways to calm down, clear my head, reduce stress and enjoy the day.
Today I am : waiting for my car in the shop for the 3rd time after a “check engine” light came on, and waiting for A T and T to come out for the second time this week after our internet is intermittently failing. In the background of my mind, I am worrying about whether I will have to rent a car if my car takes too long to repair, the related cost of that, helping my daughter find a new place to live away at school, and the financial implications of that! and just generally worrying about financial issues as tutoring, my second job, is a bit intermittent in the summer.
None of these issues are life shattering, and in the grand scheme of things, they are really quite minor. But, for some reason I find myself teetering on the edge of crying, yelling or throwing what I would compare to a two year old’s temper tantrum. PMS? Perhaps, but nothing that a little chocolate couldn't counteract!
In a book I continue to refer to, especially in times like these, Positivity, Dr. Barbara Fredrickson discusses using healthy distractions as a way to avoid ruminating or dwelling on negative thoughts that leads us into downward spirals. Here are some ideas that I have come up with to help me “snap out of it!”

• Read a book
• Jump on my Elliptical and listen to music ( 2 positive activities together surely will help me regain my positivity!)
• Do my new Billy Blanks Advanced Tae Bo Dvd: Surely the challenge of this new workout will consume my mind and body, while also stimulating my endorphins.
• Meditate: I really need to begin this practice!
• Connect with an old friend: email and make plans for a get-together
• Allow myself to become mindful of the moment: what is going right today? As I write this I am reminded of so many parts of my life that are going so well. My kids are both strong and flourishing in their young adult college years, my husband is wonderful, loving and supportive, and I am in a career that is a calling and a source of profound meaning.
* Write: writing always seems to help me gain perspective.

Now that I have written all these “healthy distractions” and taken the time to stop and ponder their value, I suddenly feel like I can take on the day! So.. what are some of the healthy distractions that get you back on track when the stress of life becomes a bit overwhelming?

"Flow" Time : Don't Miss Out

I have been listening and reading a few positive psychology books lately that have reminded me of the importance of "flow", a state of engagement where one is completely involved in a challenging, encompassing activity researched and written about extensively by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi in Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience.
There are a multitude of activities that I enjoy but somehow put aside when the demands of everyday life take over. In creating the list below, I am reminding myself to take the time to do these mostly flow-inducing activities. If they aren't challenging enough to create flow, I know that they are activities that fuel me in a positive way!

• write
  
• doodle, draw, create
• connect with friends
• workout
• write ( yes, I said it again!)
  
• research areas of interest
• integrate ideas into outlines for future writing
• read
• listen to new and interesting podcasts
• run on the beach
• listen to music
• go to hear live music
  
• watch the sunset
  

So what fuels you? What activities put you in that state where you are so engrossed that you lose track of time? What are your excuses for not doing them? Here are some of my half-baked excuses!

• I don't have time! This is perhaps the most lame excuse of all, as most of us have at least 30 minutes in our day that we can commit to an enriching, fueling activity that will help us to be more productive and fulfilled.

• My partner won't understand my need for this time. If you take the time to engage in an activity that produces "flow", it is likely that you will be happier, calmer and more able to engage in fuller interaction with your loved one. Communication is the key here so that both partners get the time they need in the relationship.
  

• I'm too tired when I get home from work. The great thing about flow-inducing activities is that they require that you simply "begin" doing them. If they have been meaningful and enjoyable before, why not just put one foot in front of the other and begin? I have had countless times of being "too tired" but when I get started I suddenly get a burst of energy.

• I don't know what brings me flow. Now is the time to explore! Brainstorm activities you enjoyed before life's responsibilities got in the way. Numerous people have told me, "I'm not creative!" but then they remember spending hours doodling and drawing as a kid. Find that inner kid! He/she has the key!

Today is all we have. Make it count by fully engaging in life.

Riding the Wave.. 5 tips to Being Your Own Life-saver

My husband and I often talk about life's challenges and the differences in the way we deal with them. I lament the fact that I seem to wear my heart so openly on my sleeve where others can easily see it, throw it to the ground and stomp on it. Fortunately, this doesn't happen all that often, though a particular parent has a grand time trying her best with her bullying behavior.
One day, while talking about our different strengths and how they play out in difficult situations, my husband used an analogy that "stuck" for me. He referred to the way that I handle highly charged emotional situations as, "riding the wave." While others crash and burn, he said, "you graciously ride the wave" and "somehow you manage to just safely come into the shore." Sometimes, like right now, I feel overwhelmed by the weight of all that I have to do. I do not feel like I am riding anything! The end of the school year is rapidly approaching and I feel like I am drowning.
I came to the conclusion, today, that I must be my own "life-saver." Although I have a wonderfully supportive husband, amazing friends, family, and teammates, I cannot expect anyone to rescue me! So how can I ensure that I continue to ride the wave without crashing?

These 5 ideas will help( if I do them consistently, of course!)

1) I must exercise at least 3-4 times per week to ease stress and anxiety, not to mention get me ready for summer!
2) I need to have my lunch and clothes ready the night before a school day so that I don't have to run around frantically before I leave the house in the morning.
3) I will remind myself that other peoples' crises, often resulting from their own procrastination, does not mean that I have a crisis. I will help when I can, but I will not take on others' responsibilities.
4) I will eat well and nurture myself. It's so much easier to eat "junk" when stressed or short of time! I need to be carrying healthy snacks and eat something before the starvation hits!
5) I need to be sure I am getting enough sleep! Sleep is incredibly powerful in affecting our outlook on life.
And with that thought.. I am off to bed right now!

Am I the only one with Tweeter's Remorse?

I blog on Blogger, tweet on Twitter and frolic with family and friends on Facebook. My life is quite busy, with teaching and tutoring, so my online social time is somewhat limited; perhaps that is a good thing! You see, I am quite a reflective person, who sometimes gets stuck in her head pondering endless possibilities. Although I have a high need to communicate my ideas and thoughts, I am also highly sensitive, leading me occasionally down a path littered with land mines: intense moments of self-doubt and criticism. One of those moments today inspired me to stop and wonder: Does anyone else worry about what they put out there for the world to see? Has anyone posted something and, just as they would after making a very important purchase, suddenly shut down the computer, or put away the iphone only to have tweeter's remorse over something they had shared? The little voice inside my head does a thoroughly good job of raking me over the coals after I share a link to a blog entry or post an idea or original quote. I wonder if anyone else suffers the following thoughts:
Did that post make me look/sound: not smart enough, silly, self-indulgent, pathetic, condescending? and the list of fears goes on. I have even giggled to myself: Does that post make my butt look big?
In order to avoid that gut-wrenching feeling of dread, here are a few questions I ask myself before I send off my messages to the world through the realm of social media.

1) Would I have said that to a real-life person? I imagine myself at work or with my family and wonder if I would have had the courage to say those words.
2) Does my message match my values and beliefs? Conversely, am I putting something forth to shock others or persuade them to follow a path I don't necessarily believe in?
3) Will my future life be affected by any mindless statements I once made? As a teacher, certain aspects of my life, like it or not, are judged by my audience. Yes, I have private, free time, but there is no guarantee that something I post will not be linked to me in a public way. Am I proud of how I represent myself?
4) Am I reinforcing helpful or healthy ideation?
5) Does my message enhance relationships with new friends by offering support, advice, or humor to help someone get through a rough patch?

I suppose I do think too much.. but maybe reflection isn't such a bad thing. I suddenly feel the urge to share this post, and for once, I don't think I will analyze it.

In the words of Michelangelo:

The greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it.

Positively Pissed!

Today I finally got my taxes done. Yes, yes, I am a procrastinator.. especially when I feel that bad news is on the horizon. I am pretty thoroughly annoyed with a system that encourages hard work, yet penalizes you when you fall into some arbitrary tax bracket. I work 2 jobs: as a teacher, and as a tutor/coach, and I hit an income level last year that "dis-allowed" my write off for student loan interest. I am sick about this! I took out a loan for my masters degree several years ago and I will be paying this loan off for many years to come. Up until now, the interest was deductible! But now, because I worked my a@# off , working sometimes 14 hour days, 6 days a week, I am penalized. I don't mind paying my fair share! But seriously...
The extra money is my "in case my kids in college need my help" money and I am not complaining! I love the work I do and it fuels my soul. But getting penalized by taking away a write off for loan interest that was accrued in educating myself to "do good for others" ???? Like I said.. it makes me feel a bit.. well.. perturbed.

So.. what am I going to do about it? Well, thanks to the wonderful release of writing, I feel much better for this rant. I am now going to put on my ipod, jump on my elliptical and sweat out the anger. I will let you know if it helps :-)

Savoring the Simple Moments

It was a beautiful blustery sunset tonight. I had planned to jog on the beach but the wind made it a bit difficult and I chose to walk instead. Slowing down and not being on a mission to "exercise" certainly gave me the chance to savor the moment. I decided to open my senses to all of the sights, smells, and sounds as I walked toward the sunset along the beach. Dogs frolicked, their owners smiling and saying hello as I smiled at them. Children danced in and out of the water, screaming gleefully as they dipped their toes in the rushing water. Serenity found me as I smelled the salty ocean, marveling at an otter swimming parallel to me as I walked along the beach. I shot a few pictures, took some deep breaths and stopped to listen to the ocean roar louder as I closed my eyes for a few moments. I was completely at peace.
I am pledging right now to make sure I savor more of these beautiful moments. They are most certainly a gift.

Song Lyrics Validate Life

I have heard this song so many times and each time it seems to resonate with me in another way. It's called "Heart of Life" and it's on John Mayer's album, Continuum. The lyrics seem to speak to me when I am going through a difficult moment:

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know, it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
But then, the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good
I know it's good

I think it's refreshing to validate that pain is there, but friends help us keep the hope. Fear is a friend.. interesting concept.. as fear can hold us back unless we embrace it and move ahead in realistic confidence.

I love this song! Check it out!

It can be Tough to Stay Positive

It's been a heck of a challenge to stay positive during these past couple weeks. I've been sick, but still somehow managing to do my 2 jobs, and I have been battling stress and the blues. Friday is "Pink Friday" where we stand up and protest all of the funds cut from education. Talk about challenging times!
At school I have some wonderful parents and some "other" parents who seem to undermine my hard work and efforts to help their children. I actually heard a parent instruct her child not to tell me if she needed help resolving a conflict because I "wouldn't be much help to her." She told her child that she was "better than the other kids anyway." Of course my hands are tied as somehow there is an unwritten rule that parents can bully teachers but not the other way around. This woman can walk into my classroom at any time and make her snide remarks, and there is not a thing I can do. Who is it going to hurt most? Her child, of course. I am an adult and I can get over it.
In another scenario, I have a kid in my class, who, after 10 foster homes, is finally getting adopted. She is five years old, got glasses last week so she could see, entered my class mid October and is struggling academically. Social workers, foster parents are up in arms about the school "not doing anything to help this child." Excuse me? Who let this child down? She has been with me for 83 days of school and she has made progress. She is sweet at times, highly inattentive, somewhat impulsive and makes odd facial expressions, possibly due to anxiety. It will take some time to truly evaluate her needs and provide the appropriate interventions and supports. For now, I work with her daily in small groups, redirect her often, stay close to her, and firmly love her and encourage her to believe in herself. Somehow, according to some people, this is not enough. I am dumbfounded.
This rant doesn't sound so positive until you realize that at the end of it.. the bottom line is.. I still love my job. I just am not the superhero they are looking for. I happen to be human.

The Contrast of Sorrow

I was unprepared for the news as I came back to work yesterday, refreshed after a week of writing and spending time with my wonderful husband. A coworker's 29 year old daughter in law, 6 months pregnant, had passed away last week. Frozen in shock, to soon be replaced by utter sadness, I walked to my classroom, shaking my head in disbelief. How could this happen? This young couple were awaiting the birth of their first child. And now, the husband was suddenly a widower, losing his wife and his first child.
As I write now, I can feel the numbness invade my body. Thoughts freeze in my mind, as I try to pay respectful homage to this grieving family. What can I possibly do, or say, to support and ease the pain? I don't even know the family; I only know the woman who will be watching today, as her daughter in law and granddaughter are buried.
I suppose that all I can do is offer a loving, kind support as this coworker returns to school. I can gratefully embrace and cherish those I love and remind myself that there are no guarantees in this life. I know that I must take each day as an opportunity to spread light and love to those who cross my path. Life's sorrows can be immense and painful. There is no way to be open to joy, without also being open to sadness.

Fascination Field Trip

Yep, that's me standing by the double decker bus. So, what's the relation to positivity? Well, with my new frame of reference I attribute to more mindfully experiencing life, I have decided to take any opportunity to explore places which invoke awe and fascination. Yesterday it was St. Paul's Cathedral in London.
After climbing 257 steps to explore the dome and listen for the whispers in the Whispering Gallery, I was entranced by childlike wonder. How does a whisper, spoken against one wall become audible way on the other side of the dome? How did they build this incredible place, 300 years ago for this particular cathedral, and 1400 years ago, for the original cathedral that was destroyed by fire. I sat in quiet awe.
As I marveled the architecture, lit a candle in memory of my loved ones, and sat in silence enjoying my husband's warm hand in mine, I vowed to incorporate more of these inspiring experiences into my life. The richness gained by mindfully experiencing beautiful art, history and culture surely refuel me.

Gratitude and Attitude

Today I am filled with gratitude. Why today? Well, I am not exactly sure, but as I drove to work and listened to music from my wedding day, I was flooded with beautiful memories of that special day, 8/8/08.
I am a reflective person, as anyone who knows me can attest to, sometimes to the point of positively annoying others! As a kid I was called, "too sensitive," and described as "she thinks too much."
Today I use that as a strength as I brainstorm all the things I am grateful for:

• My loving kids, Nick and Stef
• My best friend and husband, Don
• My siblings, though spread across the country, still close in my heart
• My job: a place I get to live my mission of working with and inspiring kids
• My coaching/tutoring job: where I learn so much and share with older kids finding their way as learners
• Creativity: as it leads me to endless possibilities and solutions for my life and others dear to me
• Writing: as it has opened my heart and mind freeing me from my own cage of self-restrictive thoughts
• Living in a beautiful place: though I must work a lot to afford it, I am grateful to live near the ocean
• God : a very personal belief so I will stop and not try to explain
  
• Collaboration: I have recently written to people in Positive Psychology sharing my thoughts and admiration for their work.
• Knowing my mission in life and having meaning.
• The loving partners my kids have chosen to share their lives with
• Wonderful memories of my mom who I miss so much
• Music that enlivens my soul
• I think that will be it for now.. as this will be a work in progress :-)
• What are you grateful for today?
  

Focus.. You Gotta Focus..

It's funny how certain phrases get stuck in my head. Today I hear Billy Blanks, Tae Bo instructor, in my head saying, "Focus, you gotta focus. Visualize.. "v" "v "visualize!" I used to do Tae Bo often, so it makes sense that his words are deeply stowed in my memory. Although he was talking about focusing on progress during exercise, the message resonates deeply now as it rings true in most all of life.
Today was full of opportunities where I had a choice whether to focus on something negative and be annoyed, angry, irritated, or impatient or to focus on something positive, and be amused, playful and peaceful .
As I began my morning drive "over the hill" on curvy highway 17, I realized that I could drive mindfully, safely avoiding those "characters" ( previously referred to as "bleep-holes ) who somehow think that they have 9 lives. I focused my mind on my day ahead, without the negative self-talk that I sometimes so willingly participate in. I also reminded myself of the beauty around me. The full moon was glowing behind some parting dark clouds, and as I arrived at school it burst through, lighting up the sky quite magnificently, giving way to a beautiful morning. I actually uttered a "wow" to myself. Wow.. now that's a great word!
I won't bore you with the details of the rest of my day.. as it was a back and forth battle of the "get sucked into the negative" or "focus on a positive" , but I will say that my morning was challenged by interactions with an attention seeking student, desperate to be loved and accepted. Instead of staying with the frustration, I remembered the impact of the heart. A kind gentle word of encouragement was not the first thing that came to mind as she acted out, trust me! When I called her over to do a math assessment, it was my soft hand on her shoulder as she tried her best to answer a question, that turned her day around, at least for awhile.
In every moment we have a choice.. where are we going to place our focus? I think I need to listen to my heart more; it seems to have all of the answers I need.

Reducing Negativity

As I read Barb Fredrickson's, Positivity, book I am inspired by the suggested real-life applications to improve well-being. As a self-declared "I am my own worst enemy" person ( but in recovery ..) I strive to challenge the negative self-chatter that occurs on a daily basis.
One of the ideas I definitely plan to use is an activity adapted from the Penn Resliency program. You jot down the negative, self-defeating things you say to yourself on index cards throughout the day. After you have collected these messages, you sit down with your "negativity deck" and consciously challenge these erroneous beliefs. Many of the negative thoughts and messages are irrational old scripts, no longer useful or accurate in any way.

Here are some of mine, which I will bravely share, followed by refuting comments.

• You're so lazy for not working out last night! comeback: " You didn't get a chance to work out last night because you worked late and didn't get home until 9:00!"
• You are so selfish for taking so much time writing for your blog! comeback: "You have been wanting to write consistently for years now. Good for you!"
• You have no self control, eating those cookies! comeback: "Life is too short not to eat cookies ( within reason :-) ) "
• You are a bad mom! You don't call your kids every day. comeback: You do the best you can. You call regularly, talk online with Stef almost daily and text Nick to show you care. You allow your kids to have their own lives.
  
• He didn't email me. I must be unlovable. comeback: He was busy studying. You know how much he loves you!

The idea behind this activity is key! Negative thoughts are quick and powerful and we can combat their effects by challenging them aloud. When you find yourself dwelling on a negative, examine it, refute it! Don't let it take hold as the belief of the moment. We have the power to impact our own emotions using techniques that help us examine and alter our thought patterns. We need to embrace that power and thrive through the positive reframing of negative thoughts.

This is Only a Test....

So why is it, that when you declare that you want to be more positive about life, life throws you the week filled with curveballs?
This week has been filled with news of losses of people held dear by people I hold dear. One family friend of a coworker died in a house fire. Another dear friend had a miscarriage. Yet another former coworker had a nephew, not even 30 yet, die this week. A coworker's mom died..and a boss's mother in law passed away.
Today, the reality of the California budget crisis hit home with me as I received a letter from my district stating that they had my seniority date wrong and I will be listed with one less year of seniority. I thought I was pretty safe, but it could turn out, that if class size reduction is gone, I could also lose my job.
So.. how's my positivity working for me now?
Well, in the past, this letter in my mailbox would have led to an all out chocolate frenzy! Although the night is young, and the chocolate fest could still happen, my first response was more of a "what options do I have if this does happen? After an initial "get pissed off" reaction, I became more thoughtful.
I do have many connections through my tutoring and could possibly get hired at a private school. I can increase my tutoring referrals by building more connections in the community. I can explore any jobs that require a cross-over between my clinical psychology training and teaching. I can continue to focus on being the best teacher I can be and not rob my current class of the joy I have in teaching them.
I have to remember.. this is only a test...

It's a Choice..

I got up early this morning to talk with my husband, 5000 miles away in London. We relish our Skype chats, and normally nothing can interfere with that special time. This morning, however, his internet is down. Of course, my first response is a bit of frustration that I have waited all week to talk to him, and I feel disappointed and sad. As my new repertoire of skills in changing the way I look at things builds, I realize that I have a choice. I can send him a loving text message encouraging him to continue working on papers he has to get done for his class, and I can find a way to use this time to start my day off on a positive note.

So.. what do I plan to do?

• email my sisters who I miss dearly
• post a little message to my son and daughter, away at college
  

• update my blog, which is a new goal for me

• savor my warm coffee, the aroma and full flavor slowly waking me up for the day

• read more of the book, Positivity, by Barbara Fredrickson

• maybe even get on my elliptical for 20 minutes! imagine that!

• linger in the warm shower and enjoy the scent of my favorite ginger body wash..
• listen to music that enlivens my spirits

The point is.. we have choices each moment to savor and select the lens that provides the best capacity for joy. Yes, I miss talking with my best friend this morning. As I acknowledge and validate those feelings, I can also focus on gratitude for the beautiful and loving relationship that we share. The slightly cynical perfectionist in me retorts, "Gag! Are you really this positive?"
At this present moment, the answer is a resounding,"yes!"

Ms. Positivity and Ms. Perfectionist Battle it Out!

Have you ever described yourself as a perfectionist?
I wonder if anyone has ever coined the term," recovering perfectionist?" If there is such a catch-phrase, it most certainly applies to me.
I am what most would call, "my own worst enemy." I criticize, berate and "should" myself at any opportunity it seems. But I am making a definite attempt to recover.
Most who know me can attest to my positivity, and my occasionally annoying attempts to share about the benefits of applying positive psychology to life. I am vociferously reading a wonderful book, Positivity, by Barbara Fredrickson. I believe that many of the ideas and concepts that have come out of Barbara's research are going to help me curtail the perfectionist that threatens to steal my joy every day.
Below are some of the perfectionist's thoughts and the positivist's replies from my day today.

My inner perfectionist begins the day hassling me about leaving for work 10 minutes later than normal. Her nagging voice doesn't let up, " You shouldn't have been taking so long editing your writing this morning!" Positivist retorts, " Relax, just look at the beautiful waves coming into the shore as you drive down the road along the cliff." I end up doing my daily 30 second "listen to the waves meditation even though I feel a bit frantic and running late.
Round one: Positivity wins.
Perfectionist berates self for dropping off the rent exactly on the due date. "You loser! You should have dropped off the check on Monday!"
Positivist says, "Wow, good for you. You avoided the late fee." Round two: Positivist wins.
Perfectionist is mortified as she notices, while standing in line at Starbucks at 6:30 a.m., that her skirt is on inside out!
Positivist replies with a giggle," It's a good thing you have your long coat on today!" Positivist happens to be amused when I decide to slip my skirt on and off quickly in the dark parking lot as I get back into the car."
All day long the battle seems to wear on, with the positivist seeming to gain momentum. How does she do it?
She savors the 5 year old's giggles in the classroom. She tells the students how she loves, loves loves art projects with hearts and gets them excited about decorating the classroom. At lunchtime, she makes sure that she gets to talk to her husband who is 5000 miles away, waiting for his VISA to live here with her. Does she dwell on how hard it is to be apart? No, because they spend their 30 minute chat talking about common interests and sharing funny stories from her morning with kids.
As the day goes on, the perfectionist tries to chime in with her shoulds. "You should be done with your assessments." "You shouldn't eat those delicious cookies your friend baked for you." "You really need to make sure your kids are 100% on task every minute."
What is the positivist to do? She locks the perfectionist b*$@% up and eats the cookies, savoring each and every bite.
Happy "almost Friday" everyone and, as my grandpa used to say, " Take a hike!". Tell that perfectionist to go take a hike! I've got cookies waiting...